It is very strange being the last one to leave. Now I know how the manamk'o in the nursing home feel: No one wants to be the last to die. I suppose that this is similar, just to a lesser degree.
It's after graduation and everyone has left, is leaving, or is preparing to leave. I, however, have the disadvantage of leaving last. I have to see everyone else leave. It would be easier to deal with if I had been one of the first to leave, I guess.
Some of my friends left in June. The majority have just left this month. The remainder leave in August.
I expect this. I can see it coming. But then why is it that whenever another person leaves I feel an impending sense of doom come over my body? It's almost as if the whole prospect of moving out and going to college becomes more real with every person who goes. Pretty soon, it's going to be me; it's going to be my turn. I'm going to have to leave.
Am I subconsciously dreading this? Or am I just trying the hardest to hold on to what I had? Am I trying to hold on to this last year? It's almost as if it is the last year of my youth... Which is insane since I'm only 16!
I think I'm just sad that everything is changing and everyone is leaving. I've never wanted to hit the 'Pause' buttom with more urgency and despair than I have these last couple of months. Everytime I hear "Talk Shows on Mute" by Incubus, I feel like bursting out and crying as it reminds me so much of this last semester.
I need to get a grip, otherwise I'm going to drown in my own fucking nostalgia.
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